Why people slow fade, and what you should do

Why do people slow fade?

What is it about people who, when faced with having to reject someone, instead slowly cut off contact, or diminish their contact with a person instead of being direct? What makes people think this is an okay thing to do?

Truth be told, I’ve slow faded people in the past. I’ve ghosted people too. I’ve done every single terrible way of rejecting people you can think of. I’m not proud of it nor excusing it, and that’s behind me now, but when I tell you why people slow fade, just know that I speak from experience.

People slow fade because they’re uncomfortable with confrontation.

People slow fade because they’re passive aggressive.

People slow fade because they don’t think what you had warrants an official “break-up”.

People slow fade because rejecting you isn’t a priority.

People slow fade because it’s easy.

Once, I slow faded someone wholly by accident. Between our last hangout and a prospective one, I decided that I was done.I stopped being as responsive, and eventually we just never spoke to each other. The thing is, I never decided on a conscious level to slow fade her. It just sort of happened I guess. It didn’t come from a place of malice, it came from a place where rejecting her was something I knew I should do, but it wasn’t necessarily on a to-do list. I was busy sure, but it had more to do with prioritizing.

Of course, I’ve been on the opposite side of the fence, where the slow fade happened to me. I’ve called people out too, and the answers I’ve gotten are usually one of the five¬†reasons I mentioned above. I would add that a certain level of discomfort with confrontation has more to do with fear of confrontation. Not with me per se, but in general. Directly rejecting a woman might not be something that a lot of people are afraid of, but directly rejecting a man is something that, too often, leads to violence. Not every person slow fades people for fear of their safety, but I’m sure there are many women who date men who do.

All that said, I think that the reasons are good to know, but that doesn’t change the result. A slow fade is a slow rejection, and you should move on from rejections. It’s nice to know why you were rejected, or ghosted, or slow faded, or whatever newly coined term we’re using to describe bad dating behavior. It’s nice, but shouldn’t be necessary.

Don’t dwell on these things. People have their reasons for slow fading you. Knowing that reason should never be your goal. Moving on should be.

Sometimes, it’s better to not seek an answer. If someone couldn’t do you the courtesy of telling you they want to reject you, whatever answer the give you for their passive rejection will never help you move on.

You need to decide to not dwell on it and move on. Want to call them out on their bad behavior, by all means, go for it. Want to know why they rejected, sure, feel free to ask. But don’t dwell. Don’t dwell on calling them out, do it and be done with it. Don’t dwell on getting an answer if they wont give you one. Don’t dwell on the answer you might get.

Focus on moving on. Oh and when you do move on, be wholly and completely done with them. If someone slow fades you, or ghosts you, no second chances for them.

Good Luck Out There.


Also published on Medium.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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