So this girl and I have been flirting for awhile. We recently talked about how she imagined us having sex in all the places we were the previous day. Which is awesome, because I have a big crush on this girl.
But she’s also told me she’s hung up on her ex and isn’t really all there emotionally right now. I’m still not all there emotionally either based on past relationships. I really want to have some fun with her. As long as emotions don’t get involved it should be all good, right?
Having sex with someone and hoping that emotions wont get involved is one of those things that many people can pull off, though usually it’s easier said than done.
In a perfect world, we would be able to control what our emotions would do to us, but the world isn’t perfect. Who knows how you’ll feel, or she’ll feel if you do end up having sex. I’m not saying that there is any sort of increased chance that she’ll develop feelings simply because she’s a woman, nor am I saying that you can’t divorce sex from emotions, I’m just saying that it’s a possibility that feelings will come into play.
That said, it’s also entirely possible that no emotions will really come into play, you’ll both be able to have casual with no strings attached and no hard feelings, and all will be well. In your case, I think it’s possible that you can both sleep together and not have to worry about new emotional connections getting in the way, but I’m concerned about both of your emotional states to begin with. “Not all there emotionally” could mean a lot of things. It could mean that you’ve both recently been hurt and you’re just not ready for a new relationship just yet. It could also mean that either of you recently went through a pretty traumatic experience emotionally. In that case, casual sex is probably a bad idea. If you’re both just not really in the right space for a committed relationship, that’s a different story.
My advice basically boils down to this: If you’re just looking for casual sex with a consenting adult who is looking for the same thing, and they don’t have any expectations beyond that, go for it. If either of you is looking to use casual sex as a way to heal from emotional hurt, that’s a really bad idea
Besides that though, I do want to amend your last sentence a bit. “As long as emotions don’t get involved it should be all good, right?” I agree with the statement, but I do just want to add something else to consider so that everything will be “all good”. You have a certain amount of responsibility to anyone you have sex with, committed or casual. That responsibility is simple really. Be honest, be decent, and be candid. Treat your friends with benefits the same way you would treat a friend. I’m not saying you need to make your arrangement more like a typical dating situation, hell, you don’t even need to go on dates if that’s not what either of you wants. What I’m saying is, just try to treat her like a friend, and not like an unfeeling place to put your penis. If you set a sex-date, stick to it, or cancel if you need to, but don’t just blow her off. If you don’t want her spending nights, be honest and upfront about that. Be clear about your expectations, and find out what her expectations are. Don’t just go along with whatever she wants, but don’t treat her poorly just because she deigns to sleep with you.
Alright that’s all I got. Have fun, use protection, and keep a dialogue open between you both. Feelings might change, for either of you, or they might not. You both might just get bored with each other. Who knows what the future holds for you both. All I know is that you should at the very least, be a friend to your friend who you want to have sex with.
Good Luck Out There.
Also published on Medium.