In dating, you don’t always get what you deserve

There’s a certain prevailing mindset when it comes to dating, one that supposes that there is a certain amount of fairness in dating. An idea that if you put in the work, you’ll get a good result. There is some truth to that in small ways. If you put effort into a dating profile, you’re likely to get better results than if you didn’t try at all. If you send a first message where you put more effort than simply saying “hey”, you’re more likely to get a response. Likely, but there isn’t a guarantee.

In dating, you don’t always get what you deserve. You can try your hardest, you can do your best, and even if you do everything right, things can go wrong. The things you’ve earned, and the things you deserve, are not guaranteed in dating. Safety, security, love, affection, and decency are things we all deserve. Sadly, in dating, you don’t always get those things.

“Life” isn’t cruel, and “life” isn’t unfair, because “life” doesn’t have consciousness. Dating is cruel, or unfair, or unbalanced, because “dating” doesn’t have consciousness. It’s a state of being and doing, and not a person to be swayed. It’s not a thing that decides that you should get what you deserve, so it’ll send someone to you that will give you what you deserve. It’s chance, it’s luck, it’s being in the right place and right time.

You wont get what you deserve just by playing into respectability politics.¬†Anyone who tells you that your respectability is directly related to getting what you deserve is trying to hustle you. You wont get what you deserve simply by being obnoxious. Anyone who offers you that guarantee is trying to scam you. You wont get what you deserve by pretending to be someone or something you’re not. The person who tries to convince you of this is using your confidence to trick you.

I know this all sounds bleak, but I just wanted to put everything out there. You don’t always get what you want, and you don’t always get what you deserve. But, and this is the whole point of the post, you can’t let that stop you. You can’t let not getting what you feel like you deserve in dating stop you from searching for what you deserve.

You deserve to find love, and if you haven’t found it, you just haven’t found it yet. Just because you haven’t found it yet doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve it. You deserve everything you’ve ever searched for, and more, and don’t let the fact that you haven’t found the right situation, or right person, lead you to believe that you don’t deserve love.

You deserve to be with someone (or several someones if that’s your jam) who cares for you, loves you, listens to you, and wants to be with you. You deserve to be with someone who is willing to compromise without complaining about compromising. You deserve to be with someone who shows interest in you, someone who wants to be a part of your life and who wants to be a part of yours. Someone who makes you happy, someone you can share your happiness with. If you haven’t found it yet, it’s not because you don’t deserve it. You just don’t always get what you deserve in dating on the same schedule as everyone else.

In dating, you don’t always get what you deserve. But, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve¬†to be happy. You deserve every bit of joy there is in the world. You just haven’t found it yet.

Don’t forget that.

Good Luck Out There.


Also published on Medium.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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