*This piece is less dating advice, and more advice about heeding dating advice.
There seems to be a trend, or maybe it’s just a constant state of being, where many heterosexual men who give dating and relationship advice have an axe to grind against women. Often times, they rail against how women look, how they dress, and of course, how they date. This seems to be especially prevalent in communities of color. The most prominent men in the African-American community who give dating advice are arguably Steve Harvey, Tyrese Gibson, and Joseph “Rev Run” Simmons. These men have and will always find a way to denigrate the women of their communities and blame them for their own dating struggles. Fun fact, none of these dudes are licensed therapist or relationship counselors or anything. Another fun fact, all three of these men are divorcees, for whatever it’s worth.
I’m not going to make this post about them because if you can’t tell already, I think that the advice they give to women is often, down right hateful. They built brands on shitting on women unless they fit a very specific model of woman, and I think they’re trash for that.
I wanted to make this post for you, dear women. I really, well and truly, want you to stop taking dating advice from men like this. I don’t care what your background is, I want you to stop taking dating advice from men who think only one type of woman deserves happiness, and promiscuous women do not. I want you to stop taking dating advice from men who feel like having premarital sex makes you unworthy of love. I want you to stop taking advice from men who will give you standards for dating, and not look to hold men to those same standards. I want you to stop taking dating advice from men who use terms like “gentleman”, “lady”, or “quality woman” to hide the fact that they’re saying that if you don’t behave in a way they deem acceptable, you’re not deserving of love.
You don’t even have to listen to my advice, just listen to someone, anyone, who values all women. Listen to someone who holds everyone to the same standards. Listen to someone who doesn’t cloak their bullshit, antiquated ideas about who can have sex, when they can sex, and what that says about them in terms that make it sound like they’re looking out for you. They’re not looking out for you, they’re using denigrating women as a way to earn a living.
Here’s what I can promise you:
I think you can find love, regardless of how many people you’ve slept with, or how soon you have sex with someone. Your romantic past has no bearing on you as a person, and I’d never shame you for it.
I truly believe that everyone deserves love. It doesn’t matter how you style your hair. Or how successful they are in their careers. Or what size dress you wear. Or if men find them intimidating. Or the amount of makeup they do or do not wear. Or even if you’ve had plastic surgery. Unless you’re an evil person, I think you deserve love, and I think you can find it.
I think that EVERYONE should be held to the same standards in dating, and those standards have nothing to do with promiscuity. They have everything to do with treating people with decency.
You don’t have to take my advice, but at the very least, take advice from someone with a similar ethos. Whatever you do decide, I really hope that you never, ever, take dating advice from a man who hates women.
Good Luck Out There.