What if you found “The One” at the wrong time?

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heartofgold2 asks:

Does that mean they’re really not “the one”? I met a guy who I connected with in a way that I’ve never felt with anyone else. And he feels the same way about me. But as time went on I found out that he’s going through a lot of personal things that make it impossible for us to be together, right now at least. So I’ve tried to move on and forget him. But I haven’t met anyone since who makes me feel remotely close to how I felt with him. I don’t know what to do :'(


Demetrius says:

You may have read some of my work where I mention that I don’t believe in the concept of “The One”. If you haven’t already, well there you have it. I don’t believe in the concept of The One because it implies predestination, which I don’t believe in, and it supposes a world where every person has a perfect match which statistically, is just not feasible. That said, what I do believe in, is the idea that there are some people out there who aren’t your preordained love of your life, but people who are such a good match for you that they’re extremely rare to find. I don’t think there is a specific person for everyone, but I do think that there are certain people who you’ll have a very deep and real connection with, and that connection wont be matched by most of the people you meet.

It’s a weird concept, so bear with me. Let’s suppose that for each person there is something like 196,833 ways in which someone could be a good fit for you. Not things you might have in common, but ways in which a person might be good for you. Odds are good, you don’t even know what they are on a conscious level, and a lot of these things fall into larger categories like “Honesty”, or “Life goals”, and so on. When we meet someone and they feel like “The One”, you it really just means that you’re a good match on at least 90% or more of those qualities. Most people we end up clicking with, and even spending our lives with, people we’d call a good fit, are good matches for us in about 65%-89% of ways we need. It’s why when you meet someone who fits with you 90%(or more), it feels almost fated because it is so rare. Could you imagine being a good fit with someone in 177,150 different ways? It would seem almost preordained. That said, I think having a connection with someone, and they’re a fit for you in 65% of the ways you need, is more than enough to make a relationship work.

I gave you my whole spiel to say this: There isn’t a One, but I won’t discount the fact that sometimes you meet someone who makes you feel a way that most people can never make you feel. I don’t want to discount the fact that sometimes, you meet people who are such good fits, it’s hard to go back to dating and trying to meet other people. There are just going to be some people out there in the world who make you feel like a golden ray of sunshine shines just for you. That also means though that, because they aren’t the One, you can still try to move on. Trust me on this, I’ve been in your shoes before.

Gather round kids, it’s story time: Once, long ago, I was infatuated with someone who was (in my estimation) something like a 90% perfect fit for me. It felt fated, and she felt like the love of my life. I’m not with that person now, obviously, but at the time it felt like I’d found THE ONE. After she left, I got so hung up on the idea that I would never feel remotely close to how she made me feel,  that I found it hard to move on.  Eventually I did, and what helped me to move on was realizing that if I could find someone who was such a good fit for me once, when I was way less attractive  and had way less going for me, it was bound to happen again. Which was true, and still is true to this day. Not just for me, but for anybody. Even you. Especially you.

So, while I respect and believe you when you say that you met someone who made you feel a connection like you’ve never felt before, I also want you to know that you can find that feeling again, with someone who is actually available to date. Maybe you wont have exactly the same connection, but there are people out there who will make you feel that way again, and maybe you’ll even feel even closer to those new people you meet. Maybe it’ll take a couple of years to find your almost perfect match, but it’s not impossible, just rare. He isn’t The One, he’s one of the ones you’ll meet who are incredibly good matches for you, but there will be others. Trust me when I say, there are more out there. I thought I found the one at 17 years old, then 20 years old, then 21 years old, then 22 years old, and now, years later, I know that those women were just really REALLY good matches for me (at the time), but that doesn’t mean I wont find a better fit for me now. You can too. And even you, reading this post right now.

It will be hard to move on but you can, as long as you try. It wont be easy, and it’ll take a combination of luck, and keeping an open mind and heart, but you can find someone who makes you feel the way this person did.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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