Got rejected, but she still wants to sleep with me. Your thoughts?

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Rooskie93 asks:

So a girl I have been having casual sex with for the last few months rejected me after I asked her out over text. She took 2 days to reply and her reply was “I was really thinking about it and you’re a great guy but I’m just not looking to date anyone right now”. Felt like a kick in the nuts but she still wants to see me.

We both have a lot in common and I thought we clicked on more than just fuck buddy level, oh well I guess I can keep seeing her and maybe things will change or I just have to move on if I want a relationship.


Demetrius says:

I thought this part of the question was especially telling:  “I thought we clicked on more than just fuck buddy level.”

Here’s a little truth for you. The world isn’t black or white. Attraction, affection, and love are not binary things. You can click with someone on a level deeper than what you currently are, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you should date, or that you’ll have what it takes to make a relationship work. I think it’s entirely possible that if the timing were right, maybe you two could be more than just casual sex partners. But sadly, she’s not looking to date anyone right now. Even if you “click”.

That’s the key here, right now. It’s possible that she’s just saying that because she isn’t interested at all, but let’s assume that she means exactly what she’s saying. She does think you’re great, and maybe you’re right that there is something more to you both than just sleeping together, but she’s just not looking for more at this moment. I know that people tend to simplify dating into a Yes/No sort of thing, but you can have a spark with someone, and want nothing more than to be with them, but also know that they aren’t a good fit for you and decide not to date them despite all of the reasons you should. People don’t stay single because they just aren’t meeting people they’re attracted to, people stay single for myriad reasons. Timing, dealing with the fallout of a serious breakup, wanting to take a break from dating, not being sure about what you actually want, emotionally unavailability, and countless other reasons. It’s never as simple as we clicked or we didn’t click.

I just wanted to make that point so you don’t dwell too much on the substance of rejection, so much as you focus on the end result. Whether you clicked or not doesn’t matter, what matters is the rejection. Whatever her motivations, she’s not interested in being anything more than a casual sex partner with you at the moment. Whether you have the sort of connection that would work in a hypothetical relationship doesn’t matter, at least not right now, so don’t dwell on it. Instead, you need to figure out if you want to continue seeing her, or move on. What I would recommend, if you decide to keep sleeping with her, is to do so without expecting that it will lead to anything more. Sex isn’t going to convince her to change her mind, no matter how good in bed you are. In general, for you and for anyone reading, always assume that if someone is currently having sex with you, and you want to turn things from a casual relationship to a monogamous andcommitted relationship, more sex isn’t going to suddenly make them change their mind.

So the decision remains, stick around and continue sleeping with her, or leave?  I can’t answer that question for you, but I can help you make a decision. Your answer, should be the answer to this question: Do I want to continue casually sleeping with someone I’d rather be in a relationship with? In my experience, sticking around for just sex, when I’d much rather be in a relationship with someone, has almost always ended poorly for me. I grow to resent the person, and I get distant, and then we have a big blowup, and then I lose a friendship. Sometimes it has worked, but most of the time, I didn’t realize how much I wanted to be in a relationship with that person, and how reliving that rejection every time I slept with them would make me feel. I’m not everyone, and if you think you can honestly separate your feelings enough to continue sleeping with her, go for it I guess.

Just remember, if you are going to stick around just for sex, make sure that’s all you’re sticking around for. Things might change, but you have to be prepared for the very likely chance that things won’t change. It’s a good idea to assume that what someone tells you they are today, they’ll probably be that way for the entire time you know them. Don’t pursue people based on what they potentially could be in the future, pursue them for who they are today. If that means letting go of someone who you think could be great to date, but isn’t ready to date right now, then so be it.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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