She disabled her account before we could meet. Should I add her on Facebook?

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SinatraEsque asks:

So after being on OkCupid for a while a girl who I hadn’t seen on there before sent me a message which led to us talking for a number of hours that night. We ended up getting along really well, joking and flirting a little and it seemed to all be going well. When she just didn’t message back at one point It was late so I assumed that she might have just fallen asleep. I was going to send her another message the next day when I came to find that her OkCupid account had been disabled which sucked but hey I’m a big boy I can deal with it.

Few days later and her picture popped up in my recommended friends on Facebook as we had a few mutual friends. Would it be too weird/creepy to send her a friend request? I kind feel it would but I really though we got along quite well.

 


Demetrius says:

Short answer if you’re low on time: Don’t friend her. It would be weird and creepy. If you’ve got somewhere to be, feel free to head out and enjoy the rest of your day. Stay Blessed.

Here’s the long answer: I think that it’s weird and creepy to try to add anyone on a social media site if the only way you know them is through a dating app. If you’ve progressed beyond just messaging, sure you can friend them. But if you messaged them for a couple of hours and then things ended there, maybe don’t try to befriend them on a social media site. I don’t care if it’s Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, or Instagram, or YouTube. Even if they list all of those things on their profile. I know that there can be some blurring of lines because dating apps and social media apps are often used in the same way, from a design perspective and a practical perspective, but you have to remember that they are very different and separate things.

The flip-side to this is that if you know someone from social media, and you see them on a dating app, you can’t then go back to social media to try to date them. Let’s say you’re like me, and you follow a ton of wonderful, amazing, gorgeous people on Twitter. You’d probably try to pursue at them in real life, but you wouldn’t on social media because you use Twitter to socialize, rather than to try to pick people up. Let’s say then that you were on a dating app and saw their profile, swiped right, but you never matched. It would be both weird and creepy as hell to then go back to Twitter and try to holler at them. And I’m not saying this hypothetically. If we interact on Twitter, and you’re a single woman in the NYC area who is on either Bumble, Tinder, or Okcupid, I’ve come across your profile. Like, a lot more than you think. I’m not saying that if you come across someone you already know on a dating app you can’t swipe right, but if you don’t get a right swipe back, don’t try to slide in their DMs saying “Hey, saw you on Tinder, want to go on a date?”. You know that gorgeous babe you swiped right on who never swiped you back, who you follow on Twitter? Please don’t slide into their DMs trying to spit game. There’s a time and place for everything, and online news and social networking service is maybe not the best place to try to get a date.

Back to the situation at hand though. Even if you disagree with the idea that you shouldn’t use social media to try to date after you’ve already exhausted your chances on a dating site, here’s a better reason, specific to your situation. You have to actively choose to disable or delete your OkCupid account. I know a lot of people think that deleting a dating account is as simple as deleting the application from your phone but no, it is not that easy. In order to delete or a disable an account you have to log into that account, and then choose to delete or disable your account, then confirm your decision. If she was into you and wanted to see where things could lead, wouldn’t she tell you that she was disabling her account and ask to exchange numbers? Think of it like this: You’re at a party, you chat someone up, but they leave and neither say goodbye to you nor ask for your number. That’s what happened here. Her OkCupid account wasn’t disabled by some higher power, she purposefully disabled it and purposely didn’t message you before disabling her account. Sending her a friend request on Facebook when you’re not actually friends just so you can try to pursue her romantically would be the equivalent of you running after someone  who left a party, who purposely didn’t say goodbye to you, to chase them down to try to get their number. It would be both weird, and creepy, but more importantly, incredibly misplaced based on your connection (or lack thereof).

Odds are good that she met someone on OkCupid and disabled her account, or, at the very least, she didn’t think it was worth it to try to take things offline with you. Whatever the case, sending a friend request to a relative stranger who you had a couple good interactions,with the sole purpose of romantically pursuing them, is not a good look.If you’re still feeling like I’m wrong, you can always check in with your mutual friends to see if you still have a shot with her. Don’t be surprised if you don’t though.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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