On a positive note…

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Dating sucks. Swiping apps absolutely suck. Fuckboys suck.

Time wasters suck. Flakes suck. People who ghost, suck.

 

Sound familiar? Even if you don’t read and write about dating and relationships all day every day like I do, you’ve probably either felt that way at some point in your single life, or know someone who has. It’s easy to get down on dating because there are so many ways in which it can suck, and only a few ways for many people to enjoy it. The thing is, sometimes you have to look at the positives in your life if you want to have any hope of moving forward. Whether moving forward applies to your romantic life or not, dwelling on the negatives will only hold you back. So much of dating grinds you down, and the only real way to get past it is to practice a little bit of self-care. Full disclosure, I am very much not a spiritual, ephemeral, hippy-dippy sort of person. I like facts, and data, and things I can quantify. I don’t think everything can be overcome through positive thinking, or crystals, or sage, or whatever else is on your self-care Pinterest board. I believe that some things in life can’t be solved just by “putting positive energy into the universe”. That said, there is a certain value in positive thinking, the same way that there is a certain negative value associated with negative thinking, like Stress. Stress is bad for you, and I’m not saying this in an abstract or spiritual sense, I’m being very literal here. Prolonged stress is literally bad for your body. Stress can cause chronic pain, elevated heart rate, depression, anxiety, erectile dysfunction, and mood swings.

So, let’s do a little  self-care for all you single folks just trying to not get ground down by dating. As I mentioned before, I’m a practical guy, so this really is going to be a simple thing almost anyone can do. Ready? Try to think of all the ways, big and small, that there are positives in your life. Many of you may be single and pretty far removed from your romantic goals, whatever they may be, but beyond the romantic stuff, what would you consider a positive in your life? It can be personal, professional, romantic (maybe you’ve got a really good friend with benefits, or a charming crush), or anything just about anything else. They can be positive things that aren’t happening directly to you, but to people in your life who you feel connected to. This might be a bit hard for you to do, so let me give you an example that, if you’re wholly single and unattached, you can probably relate to:

Think of the worst date you’ve been on. If you can’t think of a specific date, think of the worst person you’ve ever dated. On a positive note… you’re not currently in a relationship with that person! Congrats! Well done you! Being single has it’s downsides, but at least you’re not in a relationship with that bozo.

 

The positives don’t have to be directly tied to dating, but it helps if that’s the thing that has you down. Sometimes it sucks being single but, on a positive note…at least you’re not in the sort of relationship where you feel lonely with your partner. Sometimes it sucks being single but, on a positive note…being unattached means that when someone amazing does finally comes along you can actually give dating them an earnest shot. Yes, you might be single now, but if you were in a mediocre relationship you might miss out on someone amazing.

There are smaller ways that I like to reflect on the positives in my life that aren’t tied to dating in the slightest that work too. Yeah I’m single, and sometimes dating sucks, but on a positive note…my blog has connected me with some pretty inspiring and amazing people. Some parts of dating suck but, on a positive note… I’m in a really good place in my life, both personally and professionally. Yes, I’ve been ghosted this year, and gone on a bunch of dates where I just didn’t connect with someone, but on a positive note…I just bought a new tuxedo and I look damn good in it.

The positives that you reflect on in your life will differ from mine (or maybe not, I’m sure you look great in a tuxedo too), or they might be harder for you to reflect on, but I think you should work to find them. They don’t have to outnumber the negatives of your dating life either, it doesn’t have to be a one-to-one sort of thing. If you take all those woeful dating trend pieces to heart, you should take to heart that yes, dating can suck, but there is a lot more about your life that doesn’t suck. If you’re reading my blog, you can afford to access the internet which is a positive in and of itself. You might be single, but on a positive note you probably have people in your life, whether you’re bound by blood or fellowship, deeply care about you. At the very least you can assume that if you’re reading this post right now, I appreciate you clicking through and reading to this point. 😊

Dating can suck, and focusing on the positives isn’t going to suddenly change that fact, but focusing on the negatives isn’t going to suddenly make dating better either. We can’t control people, or how they try to treat us, but we can control what we choose to focus on. You don’t need to go through life only looking at the worst parts of your romantic life and dwelling on them, and letting that make you miserable. There will always be negatives in life, but try to remember that there is some good in there too.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

5 thoughts on “On a positive note…

  • November 1, 2016 at 2:41 pm
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    I’ve adopted this method of thinking when it comes to dating lately and it’s SO important. It’s the notion that if you create a great life for yourself, love the life you live and the people and things in it: single life isn’t so bad. To me, there’s nothing worse than feeling stuck or unhappy in a bad relationship, so the alternative is ALWAYS going to be better. 🙂

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  • November 1, 2016 at 3:08 pm
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    Love this! I have a gratitude journal and write down everything I’m grateful for in order to stay positive. It got me through the time I spent being single (which was a long, long time)

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