Am I just being overly insecure?

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sarahthegreattt asks:

The guy I like and am dating used to like my friend, who rents in the same house as him (they live in separate rooms). He and her both told me they don’t like each other at all, but I haven’t had a chance to tell her that we’re a “thing” yet cause she’s always busy and ignores me. But I told her I might like him (before I was sure) and she said she didn’t mind. But sometimes, even when he’s busy, she calls him asking for favors like rides and stuff cause she has no transportation. Am I just being overly insecure to trip on this kind of thing? I mean it’s not different then if he had another female friend who he hung out with sometimes right? We aren’t even official. Please someone tell me if I have reason to worry or if I’m being somewhat unreasonable.


Demetrius says:

Your question is simple, am I being overly insecure, but you sort of didn’t mention what specifically is making you insecure or why you think you might be overreacting. So, what’s making you insecure? Since you listed a few things that could reasonably make you insecure, let’s lay out what they are:

  • You’re in a fairly new dating situation
  • The guy you’re seeing previously had a crush on a mutual friend
  • They live in the same house
  • They’ve both told you neither is interested in dating the other, but you have doubts
  • Your friend reaches out to the guy you’re dating on a frequent basis for favors
  • You haven’t told your friend you’re seeing the new guy

So, based on that, no I don’t think you’re being overly insecure. I don’t know if you have one major reason to feel insecure, but the worry you’re feeling is pretty justified in my book.  The situation as you laid it out would probably make just about anyone feel a little insecure, mostly because you’ve all done a poor job of communication. It’s not all on you, but I’ve noticed two critical mistakes here. Mistakes that you can correct, which may ease your feelings of insecurity.

First, you have to communicate with your friend. The lack of communication is not completely on you, because it sounds like calling her a “friend” might be a bit too generous. “Always busy and ignores me” sounds less like a friend and more like someone you just sort of know and are friendly with. Question for you: If you weren’t dating this guy who has a connection to her, would you tell her about your current dating situation? Probably not, right? So maybe you aren’t that close to begin with. Regardless of how close you are, you’re clearly feeling a bit of anxiety about wanting to tell her you’re seeing him so…tell her. “But, how do I tell if she’s always busy or ignores me?” you might be wondering, and to that I reply “text her”. If she hasn’t made the time to see you even though you’re dating someone who lives in her house, waiting for that opportunity is just going to delay you further. Stop waiting, and instead just send her a text. “Hey did you hear me and Chad Bradley are dating? We’re not super serious or anything, just letting you know so if you see us together it isn’t a surprise” would probably work just fine. Her response to that text will probably tell you a lot about how she actually feels about you dating this guy. Even if she does feel some type of way about you both dating, you’ve made your choice (with her pre-approval) so don’t spend too much time worried about how she’s going to react. That’s not your job.

Second, you should address the frequency of how often she reaches out to your beau for favors. Look, it’s entirely possible that this is just the sort of friendship they have together. Some people use friendships primarily as a resource. It might be why she’s always busy and ignores you, and why she finds time to reach out to your guy when she needs to get from point a to point b. That’s fine and all I guess, I wouldn’t do favors for someone who only hits me up for favors, but that’s just me. If your guy is the sort of person who likes to play Uber for his friends, that’s on him, but you can establish some sort of guidelines on when his desire to be a chauffeur is okay with you. That could be as simple as saying “Do not cancel or ask me to reschedule our time together so you can pick her up and drive her around”. I think that’s a fairly reasonable request to make when you’re dating someone. If it’s more than just the favors that bother you, like say the frequency of when she texts, you can address that too. What you don’t want to do is reach out to her to ask her to text him less, but what you can do is to ask that he pay a little less attention to his phone when you’re around. That’s a fairly simple compromise that will work wonders, trust me.

Finally, you just have to learn to accept a lot of the things that you can’t address. Let’s start with the fact that your dating situation is still fairly new. That’s going to be a source of insecurity for some people no matter what, even if everything else about their dating situation is perfect. Some people get so stuck in imagining the worst case scenarios of a new dating situation that they forget to accept and enjoy it while it’s happening. Yes, you’re fairly new to dating and your future together is uncertain at best. It’s a truth that you can’t change, only time can. Accept that, and just try to enjoy your time together, for however long that lasts.

Finding it difficult to reconcile the fact that the guy you’re dating used to have a crush on your friend? Sorry, but you’re just going to have to accept that too. Time only moves in one direction, so dwelling on something you can’t change isn’t helping. Just because you know who he liked before he started dating you doesn’t mean a thing. Here’s something to keep in mind: He’s liked dozens of women before meeting you, and if things don’t work out between you both, there will be dozens more. Initially liking someone means…not all that much.  Sure he liked her, but do his actions show that’s still the case? Not just his words, but his actions. If you find that his actions match his words and that he’s not interested in dating her, then accept that and move on. If you feel like that isn’t the case, your insecurity is more than justified and firmly moves into being a legitimate concern.

In the future, try to examine what’s causing your insecurities in dating, why exactly it’s bothering you, and try to come up with solutions. Don’t get stuck dwelling on being insecure, or if your insecurity is justified or not, start thinking in a solution oriented way. Some drivers of insecurity just wont have a direct solution, so they’ll require some though, or just acceptance. Insecurities usually aren’t completely unfounded, but if you get stuck in a cycle of dwelling on them rather than trying to address them, you’ll never get over them. Just something to keep in mind.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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