She told me that I’m “hard to read”. Any way I can fix this?

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hardreader asks:

Hey so right off the bat I’ll start off by saying that I’m pretty inexperienced all things considered. Anyway me and a friend just started getting romantically involved about two weeks back. We’ve hung out a few times since then and we always have a great time with each other. However, she did tell me that I can be “hard to read” at times. I’ve noticed that I’m not as physical as I can be when I’m with her and I assume that’s what she means. Is there any way I can work on this?


Demetrius says

You know how some books are hard to read because of the level of complexity and sophistication of the writer, and some are hard to read because the person reading them just doesn’t get it? Yeah, people are like that too.

I’ve been told on numerous occasions that I am an open book, hard to read, easy to read, and inscrutable. Not by the same person, or even at the same points in my life. The way people perceive you depends on the person, and even if you become a very expressive and open person, you’ll still meet people who are utterly perplexed by you. Not necessarily an answer to your question so much as it is a warning. You can try to work on this but it won’t necessarily make you easy to read by everyone you encounter.

With that said, if you feel like this is a problem you want to work on, I have some suggestions to try. None of these are guaranteed to make it easier for her to read you, remember a book’s difficulty is based primarily on the reader’s skill, think of them as best practices.

For starters, you don’t necessarily have to be explicitly physical, or more physical, but you should make romantic intent and interest clear in one way or another. It can be words or deeds, up to you to decide, but it should be something. If you want to be more physical, and she’d like that, go for it. If you’re better at expressing things with words, that’s cool too. It could also be effort, or rather an increase in effort. Whatever you think is the best idea, go with it.

Next, when you’re having conversations, mirror what she talks about in not only content but how she talks about things. Most conversations between people who date involve some pretty standard basics likehow’s your day?” so when she answers a question like that, and talks about how something made her feel, empathize and discuss your day in a similar way. Sure, you had a great day today, but why? I forget where I heard this but someone once said that when women tell a story, they include facts but put an emphasis on their feelings related to those facts, while men tend to prioritize the facts only. The story of “how’s your day?” for a woman might include emotional information while a man’s story may be more focused on the sequence of events. I’m generalizing, and this is obviously not true for every man and woman, but it’s safe to assume that when she says that you’re hard to read, what she means is that you’re not giving her enough emotional data to interpret.

Besides that, if you’re genuinely open, honest, and inquisitive she probably will feel like she can get a better read on you. Bear in mind that being hard to read isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You’re still early into dating so she might be more intrigued by your mystique than you think. Again, it’s for you to decide if you want to become easier to read, and my tips might not work if she’s just not good at reading you. She didn’t say “you’re hard to read and it bothers me” she just said that you’re hard to read. Don’t focus  too much on whether or not she can read you, just focus on continuing to have great times.

Good Luck Out There.

p.s. FUN FACT:  My blog is purposely easy to read. Most of my posts fall somewhere between 8th grade to 11th grad reading level, according to the Flesh-Kincaid readibility test. For context, Donald Trump speaks at a 4th grad level, Clinton at a 7th grade level, Cruz at an 8th grade level, and Sanders at a 10th grade level. 

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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