I only see her in a silent study area. Should I ask her out there?

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Jazzbee asks:

It’s been exam season recently and I’ve been coming to study in the same silent study area at my uni for the past few weeks. I’ve got a massive crush on this woman who comes here also, and there’s definitely attraction both ways. Now exam season is coming to an end I kind of want to approach her. I’d be terrified in any situation, but the prospect of approaching her in a busy silent study area, where I’d basically have a 15 crowd audience just seems insurmountably daunting.

Has you done this before? Any tips?


Demetrius says:

You go to the same university, and based on the fact that you said you have a massive crush on her I’m going to assume that you’ve encountered her outside of this study area, and I’m going to assume further still that you’ve seen her on more than one occasion if you said “there’s definitely attraction both ways”. If that’s the case, ask her out when you encounter in your normal everyday life. Or, you’re basing both your crush and your idea that the attraction is mutual on eye contact over several occasions in a silent study. Let’s say it’s the latter situation and you really have only seen her in this study area, it’s not like you’ve never had an opportunity to introduce yourself and ask her out. She has to leave the study area at some point right? You could very easily leave when she leaves and ask her out then. That might be your best bet, but that would also require you either showing up and basically waiting around for her to leave, or getting lucky and bumping into her at random. This might be your best bet, though I can understand how basically being on date-stakeout sounds potentially terrible to you.

Of course there is always a last-ditch effort where you ask her out while she’s in the study area. If your idea that the crush is mutual is based solely on furtive glances, you could be reading the signs wrong, and she could want to be left alone, hence the whole “hanging out in a silent study area”. I don’t want to say it’s a risk you have to take, more so that it’s a risk that you should be aware of you before you take it. It’s entirely possible that approaching her will not be received well, but if you think it’s your only shot, go for it I guess, but be prepared for the worst. That crowd might seem daunting, and sure some people will notice you trying to hit on her/chat her up, especially if you fail spectacularly, but that’s a risk you take not just in this situation, but any situation where you take a shot on someone in public. I’d just wait it out and ask her out when she’s either entering or exiting from the study area, but maybe you’re a bit more impatient than me. I was in almost exactly in your situation on 2 separate occasions. The first time I tried chatting someone up in a library I only ever saw in the library, and she politely  shut me down in the most indirect way as possible. The second situation was similar, only seeing her in a silent study area, but this time I waited it out, caught up with her, and asked her out. I got rejected, but this time was a bit more direct. Just some anecdotal information for you, take it with a grain of salt.

If you do decide to wait it out and approach her after she leaves the study area, which is the best option, just walk up to her and introduce yourself, say that you noticed her and wanted to chat. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, tell her you have a crush on her. It might sound endearing to you, but to her it will come off as “this rando who has never met me is infatuated with me based solely on sharing fleeting glances with me and that’s kind of creepy”. Just introduce yourself, chat her up, and if she seems receptive get her phone number or give her yours and take it from there. If you go full-apocalyptic-only-one-shot-so-I-have-to-take-it mode, leave give her a note that says something along the lines of “Hey, didn’t want to interrupt, but I’d love to talk to you somewhere where talking is actually allowed. Here’s my number if you’re interested”. If it sounds like a terrible option it’s because it is, so again, worst case scenario. It’s always preferable to just ask her out when you can, but if the opportunity isn’t there, put the ball in her court. If the place isn’t strictly silent, more like a library “shhhhhhhh” sort of situation, chat her up and say exactly what I said you should in the note.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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