Okay so, the chain of events is as follows.
- Me and a long time friend really like each other
- I missed all her moves
- Eventually she gets bored
- I realize I was an idiot and ask her on a date
- She says a date wouldn’t be ideal because she’s kinda seeing someone and doesn’t want to give them the wrong idea
Can this be quickly saved with something like “Okay I realize a date wouldn’t be ideal but it certainly sounds like it so let’s go out for like an hour today”?
Or have I fully screwed it and have to leave it?
First let me just say, its way too early in the year to be so hard on yourself! This is a new year and a great time to say “Hey, we all make mistakes” so before anything else, do that.
Yes, you missed your window of opportunity, but it’s not like this person is completely out of your life.You said that she’s a longtime friend, so who can say whether or not another opportunity will arise in the future. That said, it’s entirely possible she’s met the person she’ll stay with for the rest of her life. Either way, worrying about whether or not you missed your shot isn’t worth it, and beating yourself up about your mistakes is definitely not the move you want to make here. You missed your shot with an attractive girl, but you have to put that into perspective. You’re not Ronald Wayne selling your share of Apple for $800, so just chill. There will be greater things in your life to regret, trust me.
I cannot tell you all the missed opportunities I’ve had in dating because I neither have the time nor try to dwell on them. The number of times I’ve misinterpreted the come-ons of a beautiful woman as friendly banter probably number in the thousands. The times where I missed my window of opportunity because the timing just didn’t work out? Dozens of times. Do I waste time beating myself up about all this? No, of course not. It’s not because I believe in the idea of soul mates, or a fated person, or a deity placing the right person into your life at a prescribed time of their choosing or anything else like that, I simply think that “the right person for you” isn’t just tied to attraction and compatibility, it also has a lot to do with proximity and availability. Your “perfect match” can’t live 5000 miles away from you without a plan to relocate on either of your parts. Your “perfect match” can’t be married with no plans to divorce (if you’re looking for a monogamous relationship at least). You missed a opportunity, but trust me, there will be plenty of new opportunities out there. Though not necessarily with this person. Which is perfectly fine. Never dwell on the mistakes with one person because you might miss out on an opportunity with someone new.
Who knows how things will turn out in the future. Not that I think you should hold out hope, or try to scheme on dating her even though she’s dating someone else, but if an opportunity presents itself in the future, seize it. You know what’s not a window of opportunity? Asking her to go on a quasi-date with you right now. I see what you’re going for with the whole “it’ll just be an innocent semi-romantic hangout” but no, that sounds like a crappy thing to do to a friend. You should acknowledge that going on a date with you wouldn’t be ideal given the current situation, but you can say that if things change, you’d love to take her on a date. Then leave it at that, and I mean that, say it once and that’s it. Don’t try to passive-aggressively sabotage her current situation, just say your piece once and go out there and date other people. If thing change, proceed accordingly, just don’t be the asshole trying to go on a dates with an unavailable friend.
You haven’t fully ruined things, it’s just that your window of opportunity closed. It may open again, because that’s how windows work both literally and metaphorically, or you may need to move on. Either way, don’t dwell on your minor missteps. Try to learn from your missteps and get better at recognizing the signs the next go round.
Good Luck Out There.