He doesn’t follow through with plans until I ask. What gives?

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cupcakieee asks:

I have been seeing this guy (28M) for a little over a month. He planned and asked me out the first 2 dates, he made plans ahead of time. The third date I asked him and since then at the end of each time we see each other he would make loose plans. However he doesn’t mention it again during the week until I follow-up on it and ask him if we are actually going to. (ex. I saw him on Sunday, he said let’s go to dinner on Thursday I say yes on the spot, I hear nothing until I text him Wednesday night asking if we are actually having dinner or he says come over next week I don’t hear anything until I ask to see him) So no more planning ahead of time from him

It’s been like this a few times now, it makes me unsure that if I didn’t follow-up, would he just never ask me again or does he just make these plans just to keep me around / string me along as a side option?


Demetrius says:

Good news and bad news. The good news is, you went on 2 good dates with a guy who took the time to plan them. Good for you. The bad news is that now he seems to consider you as an option, and not a priority. Maybe I should have just led with the bad news, huh? Anyway, I would guess based on your situation that you’re still an option, but one that he is placing little to no priority on. He probably thinks “I guess I’ll go on a date with her, if she texts me” but wouldn’t follow-up if you didn’t.  It sounds like you’re fine enough to date, but there isn’t really a spark here, or interest in building a relationship. Rather than pulling the plug and dumping a nice, perfectly genial person, he’s decided that having one foot in, one foot out is the best way to do things. It’s entirely possible that he’s waiting on you to lose interest so he doesn’t have to be the bad guy and dump you. Which would be lame on his part, but very likely.

The reason he keeps making these plans is probably  because you’re attractive and he thinks he should be dating you. With that said, he probably doesn’t actually want to take you on dates, even though on paper you might be a good catch. He’s doing that thing that friends sometimes do where they make plans, but when the day arrives they’re both waiting for the other person to cancel so that they don’t have to be the one to cancel. It sounds like he’s waiting for you to end things. Which is exactly what you should do, by the way. You could end it formally, or just wait for him to stop making plans. Either way will probably work based on his track record.

Situations like these, where you’re unclear about someone’s interest because of past actions and current disinterest, are often worse than Ghosting. You end up doubting yourself and their motives and play the “What if…?” game, which is a game you always lose. Here’s a good rule to live by, in both life and love: Judge people by how they treat you overall, not the few times they were nice to you. He took you on two dates that he put effort into and I guess because of this you gave him some leeway when he started showing a pattern of disinterest. You’re sticking around and wondering if you still might have a shot with him because of those first 2 dates and not the last few times he was a flake. When you’re in the early stages of dating, it’s like Ms. Jackson said: “What have you done for me lately?”In the early stages of dating you need to weigh the good against the bad. Let’s just say he did that weird flaky disinterested thing he’s doing 3 times, since you didn’t specify. If you were in a relationship with him, would you feel comfortable with the fact that he might not treat you like a priority 60% of the time? If the answer is no, move on. It should be no, to be quite honest. You deserve better than that.

He’s not interested and wondering why he’s flaky makes for a great dating advice post, but it isn’t how you should live your life. If a guy can’t be bothered to plan a date and actually follow through, you’re wasting your time wondering why he would or wouldn’t follow through. Drop him and move on, and stop wasting time wondering why he’s doing what he’s doing. Flakes are going to flake, and people who aren’t interested will act disinterested, it’s as simple as that.

Good Luck Out There.

 

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

3 thoughts on “He doesn’t follow through with plans until I ask. What gives?

  • December 11, 2015 at 3:21 am
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    My friend gave me this great book – Why Men Love Bitches. I think it’s like the bible and can’t believe I went through my 20s without reading it. You should check it out. You shouldn’t wait around for him. Make sure he knows you have other arrangements, if he doesn’t confirm, don’t pitch or save that slot for him.

    Dem – would love your thoughts on my latest piece…it’s a pretty light-hearted one 🙂

    Reply
      • December 15, 2015 at 2:40 am
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        I’m almost finished with it and I’ll review it next week…the book is seriously mind-blowing and cringe-worthy too !

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