Why won’t she kiss me?

man-love-woman-kiss

serpantlord asks:

I’ve been dating this girl for a week or two now, and we’ve gone out about 4 times. Things are always great when we go out, and we have a lot of fun together, and always talk about seeing each other again. However, she is very reluctant to kiss, or really even touch me. When I asked her why, she told me she didn’t want to rush things, and wanted to feel something deeper before doing anything physical.

I was fine with this, but I’m not so sure I know what to do now. She and I are always in romantic settings together, alone, and flirting. Clearly, these are romantic engagements, and not “just friends” types of activities, but she’s still hesitant.

What should I do?


Demetrius says:

I’m always truly amazed that the simplest, easiest questions to ask are often left unasked and unanswered. Questions like: “Does this person like me?” or “Why hasn’t she kissed me?” are best asked, rather than speculated on. Want to know something? Ask about it. That’s my advice in your situation and really, that’s all you need to read. She knows the answer to why she hasn’t kissed you yet and would probably tell you if you just asked her. Of course, giving a quick answer would sort of be a bit like cheating, so I’ll try to come up with the most likely scenarios as to why she hasn’t kissed  you yet.

Okay first things first, have you tried to kiss her? If you haven’t, which I feel like you haven’t, it’s highly possible that she’s romantically interested and just waiting for you to make the first move. I’m thinking that she might just be a bit traditional, so she’s waiting for you to make the first move. It would make sense, given that you’ve been on 4 dates with no romantic contact. If I had to guess, after the 2nd or 3rd date with no kiss, most modern straight people would assume that the other person wasn’t interested in them romantically and wouldn’t go on date #4. This holds true for me, and most people I’ve been on a date with. Then again, I’ve met some flat-out old-school romantics who kiss on the fifth date only. It would make sense if she was either purposely holding out based on a prescribed time-frame or just waiting for you to be a gentleman and ask for the pleasure of her kiss.

Or, she’s not that interested in you but enjoys being taken on dates. The average date costs what, $50 to $100 dollars and maybe even more if you’re taking her on long, expensive dates. Some people just enjoy being taken out and treated well and will go on dates regardless of romantic interest. It could be as insincere and malicious as using you for free food and drink, or maybe it’s a bit more complicated than that. Maybe she’s kinda-sorta into you, but the fact that you can afford to take her on dates is really selling your viability.

Or, she could still be figuring out if she even likes you. Maybe she still hasn’t figured out if you click with her, and she’s working slowly to determine it. Sometimes figuring out whether or not you click with someone takes more than just 4 dates, and it’s possible that she just wants to see where things lead in an organic way.

Or, she’s just not comfortable with expressing interest physically. Maybe it’s due to past trauma, or maybe she’s asexual, or she needs a lot more time with someone to get comfortable expressing herself physically, or who knows what else. It’s entirely possible that kissing, holding hands, or initiating physical contact is something she’s just not comfortable with for a variety of reasons. I want to stress again that I’m not a mental health professional, and this is conjecture, but there could be a very serious and real reason that she is reluctant to even touch you and it could be something very real and very deep that she’s dealing with.

Or none of those things! Remember, these are just guesses.

I could go on, and you could too, but you know what you have to do right? Ask! It’s that simple. “What if..?” is a fun game to play from time to time, but you can’t live your life with that much uncertainty. You’ve already invested all this time into getting to know her, might as well find out what the deal is with the lack of affection directly from her, and not the Internet.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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