I can’t connect with women. What am I doing wrong?

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Immune21 asks:

I’m an outgoing, above average looking, intelligent, kind, empathetic, guitar player, chef, fine dining waiter, race-car driver, adventurer, straight-A college student, ex-football player, and have big ambitions for making a mark for myself. I’ve never had a girlfriend and women shy away from me, reject me, blow me off and I keep trying but 95% time get shit results. In high school I was outcasted and turned to pot because the stoner’s seemed to somewhat like me. After dropping out of school because of this shit I moved to Hawaii on a whim to try to escape my reputation as a loser.

3 years later I’m here and while I’m able to get the attention of some of the most gorgeous girls at the school, it’s the same story all over again. They make some excuse, have a boyfriend, or find some way to not want to hang out with me. It’s not like I’m a creep and am asking them directly for sex or hitting on them uncomfortably. I have a knack for picking up on body language.

I’m naturally a lover and am mentally exhausted and defeated from waking up alone every day of my life. Anyone got any advice? If you need clarification, feel free to ask. I’m an open book.


Demetrius says:

Hate to say it but the answer to your question is in your question. It’s not the general negativity of the question of the question itself, but here’s what caught my eye:

I’m naturally a lover and am mentally exhausted and defeated from waking up alone every day of my life”

Now, there’s nothing wrong with feeling down about not connecting with the people you feel attracted to, but that feeling alone might be why you’re not attracting people.On paper, you sound like a great dude and I’ll be honest with you, I can’t do half of the stuff that you can. I was never a straight-A student, I can’t play an instrument, I can’t drive, and I never played an organized sport. The thing is, because I don’t give off of a vibe of desperation and defeat, that doesn’t matter to most women. My confidence and lack of desperation compensates for a lot of the smaller things I might lack. I’m not saying it to toot my own horn or anything, just telling you that having a negative attitude about your life wont attract people, it will repel people.

People, oddly enough are not like magnets. Where magnets attract their unlike type, people attract like types. Positivity does not repel positivity, it attracts it. If you feel defeated because you’re single, you will push away anyone who feels as though they are complete while being single. The only people you’re likely to meet with your mindset are people who are desperate to have someone in their life and I’m guessing you wont find that desperation attractive. There are other factors of course, maybe you’re just too busy to meet people, or maybe it’s about a lack of good timing and good fortune, but I bet that if you were a little less down in the dumps because you’re single you’d be able to meet and connect with people.

The trick might be to develop some friendships, especially close friendships. Of all the things you mentioned about your life, none of the things you listed was “I have a great social network”. You’re ambitious and driven, but maybe you haven’t focused on learning how to connect with people. It’s interesting that you say “I’m naturally a lover” when you’ve never actually had a girlfriend. Something isn’t adding up here. Let’s be real with each other, are you naturally a lover, or do you just crave the company of someone? It’s okay if it’s the latter because there’s nothing wrong with craving connections with others, you just need to be honest with yourself. Maybe the thing you’re craving isn’t so much a girlfriend as much as it is a strong connection with others. I bet it’s hard to be able to do that when you uproot yourself at 18-years-old. The feeling of waking up alone can’t be completely resolved by building strong friendships, but knowing in your heart of hearts that someone out there cares, platonically or not, is a great first step toward eliminating those feelings of social defeat.

You’re feeling isolated and finding a girlfriend isn’t the answer, nor do I think it’s feasible at this time. You’ve done the work to make yourself well-rounded except for one critical thing, you forgot to build strong connections around you. You were an outcast who had to leave your state to grow, which is a ballsy ass move that I salute, and now you want to build the connections you craved in high-school. I’m very impressed by you, seriously man at 18 I never would have uprooted and moved to Hawaii, so I don’t want this to come off too critical. I think you should focus on learning the skills needed to connect to people before you try to connect to a potential girlfriend. You learned all the things you needed to make yourself a well-rounded person, but if you didn’t learn how to connect and relate to people, how are you going to learn to connect and relate to a girlfriend? You can do them both at the same time, but I don’t think you’ll be able to build a good romantic relationship without building your platonic relationship skills up first, or at minimum simultaneously.

No matter what you do, whether you take my advice and focus on building connections, or you just keep driving forward trying to get a girlfriend, you have to change your mindset. If you go through life feeling defeated, life will defeat you. If you go through life thinking that you can improve and work on your life, it will improve. Obviously there will be hard work involved, but if you’re working toward something with a defeatist attitude, you might as well just quit now.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

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