No Job, No Money, No Confidence. How do I date?

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JorDamn asks:

How does one hang out with a girl from Tinder if one has no job, no confidence, and no money? I met a girl from Tinder and she wants to hang out, but what would I do? Or talk about?


Demetrius says:

Short answer: You don’t go on this date. Long Answer: There are circumstances where you could date with say one or two of those situations, but not all three. You need to not go on this date or any dates in the future, work on yourself, then start dating once you’re a bit more established.

If it was just a matter of being under-employed or unemployed, sure, maybe you could date. Maybe you’re just the sort of guy who doesn’t have a formal job, but has wealth Or maybe you’re a student, or maybe you’re disabled and can’t work, or who knows. In that case, sure, go for dating as long as you have a means to afford to pay for a date. No money? Even still, that could be a maybe on its own. College students usually have very little to no money and I wouldn’t tell them to not date at all, I would tell them to go on cheap dates. You could be a full-time student using loans to fund your life or your parents could be giving you a stipend for expenses that could include dating. If that was the case, sure, go on dates.  Lacking in confidence? It’s a challenge to overcome, but not an insurmountable challenge that means that you shouldn’t date at all. I’d encourage you to work to build up your confidence, but I doubt there are very many daters who are confident 100% of the time. The thing is, none of these are your particular situation, are they?

Let’s talk about your situation. You have no job, no money, and I’m sure that’s contributing to your lack of confidence. You’re using the internet so you have access to a computer or  a cellphone (since Tinder is a cellphone app and is not web-based) so it’s not like you’re completely destitute, but you’re not the one with the income. Chances are good that you’re living at home with parents and they’re footing the bill for your expenses. I can think of very few reasons why you should date if you’re in your current situation (where you don’t have a job and don’t have money) and most of them are situations where you CAN’T work, but I’m guessing this isn’t the case for you. If I’m wrong, like say you’re on disability and can’t work and still want to find love, my sincerest apologies.I would never presume to say that people who cannot work should not seek out love, but again that’s not really the feeling I’m getting from you here. If you have the ability to find work, make money, and build your confidence I would suggest that you don’t date until you’re in the process of doing all three of those things.

What you need to do is work on making yourself a catch. I hate to say this but right now, you’re pretty low on the scale in terms of desirability. You don’t have a job or money, and you’re lacking in confidence. Would you want to date you? I definitely wouldn’t want to date someone who had no job or money and was lacking in confidence and I think most daters would feel the same. It’s not about how much money you have, or how impressive your job is so much as having some money and a job. If you were only making minimum wage, I’d tell you to simply work on building your confidence. If you can find and hold a job, I compel you to do so. That’s a great first step not only to building confidence and desirability, but also you know, earning money. Money isn’t everything, but people tend to date for the most part to build lasting connections with someone who can lead to a future together. What future could someone imagine with you where you have exactly zero dollars? Beyond seeking gainful employment, I’d recommend that you seek out a therapist to address the underlying issues behind your lack of confidence. Since you’ve got no money and mental healthcare is, sadly, very expensive in the US (assuming you live in the US), I did record a podcast with psychotherapist Emily Roberts, LPC on Building Dating Confidence and I would suggest you listen to that. It’s not an alternative or substitute for mental health counseling, but it’s a good step in the right direction. Alternatively if you’re not that big on advice in audio form, you can also read some tips on Building Dating Confidence. I’d encourage you to do both, but remember that improving your confidence is only one part of the equation, you also need to get out there and do something with your life. That doesn’t mean a job per se, (though, having a job can’t hurt) but you do need to focus on making yourself the type of person you’d want to date. Having a job and the income  that provides (again, assuming you physically can of course) would go a long way to making you a more desirable person to date.

Let me close by saying, your situation isn’t hopeless, but spending your time on Tinder trying to match with people instead of dedicating that time to searching for a job is hurting your chances to become a really build a life for yourself. Take a break from dating, online or otherwise, and work on building a life that you’re proud of. Getting a job doesn’t automatically make you a good person, but it makes you a better person to date. Money wont change who you are, but it will help you afford those dates you so desperately want to go on.

Good Luck Out There.

Demetrius Figueroa

Demetrius is a sex, dating, and relationship writer based in Brooklyn.

8 thoughts on “No Job, No Money, No Confidence. How do I date?

  • September 3, 2015 at 4:34 am
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    Even if it’sa job picking fruit. Or cleaning. Anything. I most admire people who are not too proud to get out there and get their hands dirty. Work!

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    • September 3, 2015 at 2:11 pm
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      Seriously! People (usually men, sadly) don’t seem to understand that the idea that they have to make a ton of money is an idea that’s primarily embraced by other men. It’s because for the most part, men tie their masculinity to their money and earning potential. The guy who is honest about how much he makes/doesn’t make and charming will get more women than the guy who is an asshole but makes more money. Yes, he can get a girl for a night or two with his wealth, but that girl isn’t necessarily the type you’d want to date anyway.

      Reply
  • September 3, 2015 at 7:38 am
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    This is a great post. And its a common issue for men. And I do feel for them. As a women, you just have to be willing to put yourself out there and make an effort. So even if you don’t have a job/money you can just put on a pretty dress and make an effort and date like theres no tomorrow until Mr Right comes along. For a man, however they have to actually be more picky, especially when their funds are limited. A male friend of mine asked me recently whether he had to pay? My response was…no, if you don’t like her don’t pay but in the same vein don’t be expecting a second date either.

    Good luck…getting a job, any job will be a step in the right direction when it comes to both the money and the confidence parts.

    Reply
    • September 3, 2015 at 2:14 pm
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      You’re absolutely right when it comes to the money issue being a bit different for men and women. The expectation for most women on a first date is “show up, look good, be entertaining” and for a man it’s generally “show up, look good, be entertaining, pay if you want a second date”. I will say, how we spend money on dates is different by gender (Men tend to pay more on dates, women tend to pay more on prep for dates), but with that said, it doesn’t mean a man has to pay on every date he’s on. I’ve always stuck by the rule that if I’m not interested in a second date, I’ll either cut a date short, or split the check if she offers. I get mixed responses to it, but at least I don’t pay for the drinks of someone I’d never want to see again.

      Reply

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