OkCupid is either Hell, Purgatory, or Paradise depending on who you ask. For me, it was any one of those , depending on when you asked me. Ultimately, OkCupid is the reason I’m in a relationship and I’ve got nothing but great things to say about OkCupid as a whole, but it wasn’t always sunshine and roses. It was a long journey to go from Dating Hell to Dating Paradise.
“The path to paradise begins in hell.”
They say hell is other people and if that’s the case, I’d like to further add that Hell is dating other people on OkCupid. There is a special kind of torture that comes along with putting yourself out there to be constantly rejected, mocked and derided all in the search of love or lust. While I was active on OkCupid I was told on numerous occasions that I was undateable because of:
my career, my ethnicity, my body, the fact that I can’t ride a bicycle, the fact that I play video games, the fact that I’m not Christian, my income, I don’t speak Spanish, I was on OkCupid (by someone who was also on OkCupid, seriously).
This experience isn’t unique to me and I can assure you, the experience of the average woman on OkCupid looks drastically different (and much much worse) but I will say this: My worst OkCupid dating story is NOT the time I was mugged on a first date. (Yes this actually happened. Yes it was at gunpoint. No one was hurt, the mugger got pocket money from me and an iPhone from her. He did apologize after so there is that)
It’s less of a specific date and more of a “person I was dating” story. Long story short I met a girl, we dated for a few months, she wanted a relationship and I didn’t. I ended things over the phone (bad move I know, but at least it wasn’t a post-it) and she told me this:
No one will ever love you and the reason that the people you love die, like your dead father, is because you’re a bad person.
“My son, Here may indeed be torment, but not death.”
The worst part of dating for me was always the weird Dating Limbo I would end up in where I wasn’t quite sure of where I stood with the person I was “dating”. There comes a point where you just want to know if you’re even seriously dating someone or just hanging out at their apartment and having sex with them. (If you’re wondering, the answer is usually the latter sadly)
In the interest of full disclosure I will say I was usually the one putting people into a dating limbo. I know now why I did what I did, and I’m sorry to all the people I hurt, but that doesn’t change the fact that I spent so much time there. I would usually get to a point where I preempted Relationship-Defining-Talks by ending things using bullshit passive aggressive tactics. It got to a point where I was preempting relationship-defining talks that no one even wanted to have with me. I’d become undateable because I wanted so much to stagnant relationships that literally no one thought I was actually capable of a real relationship.
Purgatory for me was either wanting to have physical relationships but being too chicken-shit to actually just come out and say it thus leading people on because of commitment issues. I’ve been on the other side of those situations (yes I’ve been strung along too) and I tell you, sometimes you put yourself in Dating Purgatory, sometimes you let people put you into Dating Purgatory. Either way, it’s your choice. I eventually chose to man up and walk out of my own personal Dating Purgatory.
“My course is set for an uncharted sea.”
I always loved dating and it’s part of why I even write this blog. I enjoyed the planning, the improvising, getting dressed up,sharing dating stories with friends, and meeting new people. What I don’t miss are the hollow connections, constant rejections, anxiety, and spending so much money on strangers.
Monogamy isn’t the end goal for everyone, but I’d be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t want to meet someone they truly connect with whether friend, lover, or partner. Very few people want to be completely isolated. OkCupid has made that happen, but it wasn’t easy.
What I don’t want you to take away from this post is that being on OkCupid sucks and getting off of it was the best thing in the world. This post in no way means that I think OkCupid is bad.
I love OkCupid. I think it’s the best free dating website out there. (no they haven’t paid me to say that but if they want to, they can totally reach me here).
Maybe you haven’t gone through your own little journey through Dating Hell, Purgatory, and Paradise. If you’re on that journey right now, make sure that you actually know what you want and are actively pursuing it. You’ll significantly cut down on how long your journey needs to take. If I’d had that advice all those years ago it wouldn’t have taken me 10+ years to figure out what I wanted out of dating.
For me, online dating (especially on OkCupid) was a journey that I’m glad I made.
Good Luck Out There (and on your dating journey!).