The more confident you are the more likely you are to attract people. Regardless of how you look, how tall you are, how much hair you have, etc., confidence can trump it all. I’m no scientist or anything so here’s a quote to back up my claims:
Harter (1993) characterized the correlations between appearance and global self-worth throughout life as “staggeringly high”, ranging between .70 and .80. Langlois et al. (2000) found a much more modest relationship, but attractiveness was still positively related to observed self-confidence/self-esteem in children and self-reported self-confidence/self-esteem, competence , and mental health in adults. In an experimental study, Mobius and Rosenblat (2006) found that attractiveness was positively related to confidence in one’s abilities.
Being confident makes you more attractive, simple as that. So how do you, as a not so confident person work to build your confidence so you’ll have better dating success. Simple: Practice and Rethink
Here’s what you Practice
- Eye Contact
- Being Uncomfortable
- Taking Rejection
..and here’s what you Rethink
- Image Projection
- Passive Attraction
- What is a “Good Date”
- The Pareto Principle
Let’s dive in to Practice section
- Smile more and smile often. It’s a quick simple way to look more attractive.
- Work on making Eye Contact when you’re talking to people. For some people this might be a little difficult because it’s a VERY intimate act. If you’re uncomfortable looking people in eye, look at the bridge of the nose.
- Conversations is a little more difficult, but trust me, it’s worth practicing. How you can practice is by building up what I like to call Talk Show Talking Points. Every talk show host has canned questions they can ask a guest and every guest has canned answers. There’s a great Youtube videowhere Vin Diesel answers the same questions on something like 20 different talk shows. It’s worth watching for a few seconds so you get an idea of how to prep for Talk Show Talking Points. Whenever you meet someone new, chances are they’re going to ask you the same types of questions. The best way to way to practice conversations is to have canned answers to these questions. The same principle applies to questions. Have some basic social situation questions ready to go. That way you can quickly and effortlessly move from small talk to more meaty subjects. You can always pull out a few from my conversation starters list if you’re at a loss.
- Being placed in Uncomfortable Situations helps you form what essentially is social motor skills. Just like people say you never forget to ride a bike, once you’ve been in an uncomfortable situation and overcome it, you never forget how you did and it might even become second nature. My best practice for being in uncomfortable situations came from immersion (part of my day job involves sitting in and sometimes speaking in meetings with CEOs, VPs, etc.) and some of it was by choice (taking public speaking classes, striking up conversations with random people, etc.). Either way, I’m pretty comfortable in most situations. How you practice is up to you but you should at the very least try it out.
- Taking Rejection is another way to help build social motor skills. Most people tend to be risk averse, which is naturally low risk but also very low reward. Off the top of my head, the most confident people I’ve met generally have some sort of sales background. I can’t tell if it’s a chicken or an egg scenario, whether confident people are attracted to sales or Sales creates confident people, but I will say this, every Salesperson faces rejection on a very large scale. Instead of shying away from asking out that cute person you’ve been chatting up, just do it. Maybe you’ll get rejected, maybe you wont. If you get rejected, GREAT! That just means you got a little practice in.
We’ve finally made it to Rethink. When I say rethink I mean that you should either consider or reconsider how you think of the following topics. If you’ve never considered them, well you’re in luck.
- Your own Self-Awareness can really make or break your self-image. If you feel like you don’t deserve to date great people because of how you look, how much money you make, or any other factors, people will not want to date you. You should be aware of how you look, but you should also know that looks ARE NOT everything. If you think you can only date the absolute worst people, then you will only date the absolute worst people. You might not be able to will yourself into dating supermodels, but you CAN will yourself into dating terrible people.
- Image Projection is all about what you put out. If you look schlubby, you’ll be treated differently than someone who looks well kempt. You don’t need to dress like a J. Crew model, just be aware of version of you that you’re projecting. Groom yourself, maintain a certain level of hygiene, etc. and you’ll attract more people. I just want to stress that you’re working on projecting the best image of yourself. If you’re a jeans and t-shirt person that is fine, just make sure your clothes are clean. If you’re a scruffy guy, that’s cool, just make sure you don’t have food particles in your beard. Just look in the mirror and think “If I saw this walking down the street, would I cross to the other side?”
- Passive Attraction is all about the sort of attention you get without really trying. You know how people say “I always attract that type of person”, well that’s your passive attraction at work. It’s hard to change who you passively attract because a lot of passive attraction (if not all of it) is based on your physical appearance. Your height, your body type, your weight, what race/ethnic group/religion you appear to be. These things are out of your hand. What you should reconsider is “Am I attracted to what I attract passively”. If the answer is yes, Awesome, great for you. If it isn’t consider making some changes, either deep or superficial.
- What makes a Good Date is entirely up to you. Each date is a learning experience. Will a failed date excite you because you realize that you can learn from it AND you just saved yourself some time by not having to go on a 2nd date with this person OR will you let yourself get down in the dumps over a bad date. For me the line between bad/good/great date is simple. A bad date is when some harm comes to you, verbally or physically. A good date is anything beyond that. The person was nice, you just didnt hit it off. A great date leads to another date. If you don’t think this way, you might want to rethink what’s a good date.
- …and finally, The Pareto Principle. The Pareto Principle (or the law of the vital few) states that, for many events, roughly 80% of the effects (i.e. a good date) come from 20% of the causes (i.e. number of people you date). Apply this to dating and I think it’s safe to say that if you go on 10 dates, you’re lucky if 2 of them lead to second dates. You’re going to have to kiss a lot of frogs, but it’s just part of the process.
Above all else remember, Practicing and Rethinking can be hard work but it’s worth it. Building confidence will not only help you in your dating life, it’ll help you in your personal life as well.
…and as always, Good Luck out There